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HUMOUR - Short Jokes

https://attitudetolife.com and attitudetolife.au

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A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something well. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? A good pun is its own reword.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Why don’t we get the staff discount when we use the self-checkout at Woolies?

I put my left leg in. My left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. I shook it all about. I did the Hokey Pokey and I turned around. And that's when the taxi driver said, "Just get in the taxi mate!”

What do you get if you play a country and western song backwards? Your Dog comes back to life, your Pickup Truck is suddenly fixed and your Girl comes back to you.

Driving past a building site today and couldn’t stop thinking how elusive Bill Posters must be. After all these years they still want to prosecute him. I went to the teller at the train station and asked for a return ticket. The person in the office asked "where to". Daaaaah, back to here of course.

http://www.clipartlord.com/categ ory/transportation-clip-art/cars- clip-art/taxi-clip-art/

The alien leader stared at his crew with pride. "We've travelled thousands of light years to arrive at our objective. Nothing can stop us, the most technologically advanced species, from achieving our mission." "Now, let's go make some crop circles."

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "Oh, that's the talking clock," the student replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch," said the student, he then proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall: "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two-thirty in the morning!”

A man calls the local police station and says, “I'm calling to report my neighbour Vince Smith. He is hiding drugs inside his firewood! I don't quite know how he gets it inside the logs, but he's hiding it there.” The next day, the police descend on Vince's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no drugs. They sneer at Vince and leave. Shortly after that, the phone rings at Vince’s house. “Hey, Vince! It's Jeff ... did the police come?” “Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep!” “Happy birthday, buddy!”

Because the platypus both lays eggs AND produces milk, it’s one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’ “ - Dave Barry

Father son conversation “Daddy, why is the sky blue?” “I don't know son.” “Daddy, why does car oil dripped on a puddle make rainbow colours?” “I don't know son.” “Daddy, why do ducks say quack but cows say moo?” “I don't know son.” “Daddy, do you mind me asking all these questions?” “No, of course not son, how else are you going to learn anything?”

Last Requests A Welshman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and an Englishman are captured by the enemy. They are all going to be executed and the executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one last request. He starts by asking the Welshman what his request is. "My request is to have 1000 Welshmen singing ‘Land of my Fathers.’” Then he asks the Scot what he'd like and the Scotsman answers, "I'd like 1000 bagpipes playing ‘The flower of Scotland.’" And he says to the Irish fellow, what's your last request? And he answers, "I'd like 1000 Irishmen doing the river dance." He turns to the Englishman and asks him, and the Englishman says, …….. "Kill me first."

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The best auto safety device is a rear- view mirror with a police car in it.

Never squat with your spurs on. Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of thegreatest political sages the USA has ever known. Some of his sayings (I’m told): 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 2. Never kick a cow pat on a hot day. 3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket. 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

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Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake and the snake didn’t have a leg to stand on.

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!"

At dinner the other night my cousin asked her child to say prayers. We bowed our heads and little Grace started mumbling then raised her head and said, "Amen". My cousin looked at her and said "Grace, I didn't understand a word you said. She looked at her and said, "well, I wasn't talking to you "

"See! I told you I was right," the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes. "Help me, Lord," the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!" The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?" "Okay, okay," they said. "Now it's three against two."

The Argument Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister. The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it." A big storm cloud materialized and there was a clap of thunder. "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above." The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon. "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign." This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.

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I see the person who invented the door knocker was awarded the Nobel Prize.

A five-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy puppies and two girl puppies." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

What is the difference between iron man and aluminium man? Iron man stops criminals- aluminium man just foils their plans. Everyone knows where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where Minneapolis? Overheard at Supercheap Auto “I need a headlight” “What’s it for?” “So I can see when I drive at night,”

***

Covid Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. … And believe me, that’s a lot of colouring in!

Did you hear? The giant has gotten a restraining order against Jack. Turns out he's bean stalking him for years.

For our anniversary I rented a limo for $1000. When we went to the agency they brought out the limo but it didn’t have a driver! … Yep I put out $1000 for a limo and got nothing to chauffeur it!

A dad was washing his car with his son. His son said “Dad, why can’t you just use a sponge like everyone else?”

A paramedic left her stethoscope in her car and came out to find her 6 year old daughter playing with it. She proudly thought that maybe her daughter was going to follow in her footsteps. Then she heard, "Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?"

The kids just asked for a border collie for Christmas. Normally I do a Turkey and Ham but hey, if it’ll make them happy….

The kids keep finding the Christmas presents we have hidden around the house... Someone suggested I put them up in the loft, so I did and last night… I literally had no sleep. All I could hear was them crying and moaning about spiders, the dark and wanting to be let back down. Any other suggestions please??

Did you know that they had tennis in the Bible? Yes, Moses served in Pharaoh's court.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two? Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. - Jerry Seinfeld

I just had to throw away a whole packet of animal shaped biscuits. The seal was broken.

The church youth director kept falling asleep in committee meetings, so all the others decided to play a joke on him. They all brought a change of clothes to the next meeting, and as soon as he fell asleep they all laid their clothes out very carefully on their chairs, and left their shoes on the floor. Then they snuck out into the hall, and the trumpet player of the group sounded the trumpet, while the others all watched through the door. The poor youth director is still trying to get over the shock. Please say a prayer for him.

I'd rather have a shot of whisky than a shot of lead.

A priest secreted a bottle of red wine in his garments and was riding his bicycle when he had and accident and crashed to the ground. When he got up, he found something red running down his leg. He reacted, saying “Oh goodness! I hope that’s blood.”

Theologically we know that Adam and Eve weren’t Cajun because if they were, they would have eaten the snake instead of the fruit and saved us a lot of trouble.

Some More One Liners that you have to apologise for telling 1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled. 3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move. 4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm. 5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price. 6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on. 7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone a round. 8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene. 9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars. 10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. 11. To get by I once worked at a cheap pizza shop. I kneaded the dough. 12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band. 13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. 14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark. 15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell. 16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare. 17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.” 18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence. 19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering. 20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find. 21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road. 22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? “There, their, they’re.” 23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.” 24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self. 25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Some One Liners

Lines from Movies “Someone once said if it was raining brains, Roxy Robinson wouldn't even get wet.” - Fat Sam, in Bugsy Malone “In a hundred years we'll all be dead. And the stars will still be shining.” The January Man “The oxen are slow but the earth is patient.” Zura - High Road to China (1983) “What did the Romans ever do for us?” Life of Brian “As you wish” “Inconceivable” “My way's not very sportsman-like” “You keep using that word, I don’t think that word means what you think it means” All from The Princess Bride

If you are feeling sick and sweating while refuelling your car, you are probably suffering from CAROWNERVIRUS

fuel- by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay

Not paying attention to history in school never did me any harm. Unlike poor Henry VIII, himself being shot in the eye by Genghis Khan at the Battle of Hastings in 1966

A judge asked a man he was sentencing, "I’m curious, what do your mother & father do?" He said, "They're in the iron & steel business. My mother irons & my father steals.”

“What if the Wright Brothers thought that only birds should fly?” “And did the Geloca think the Yulus were too ugly to save?” “That's death blossom, a weapon of last resort” “Always trust Centauri” All from The Last Starfighter

Making small talk with a colleague you don't really know: "Hey, how's it going?" Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Me: "Living the dream!"

image credit comic by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

*Slaps a packet of sparklers on the counter* “How much for the angry incense?”

Thinking of sleeping on my husband’s side of the bed tonight. Apparently, from that side, you don’t hear the kids wake up at night.

The man that invented the Ferris Wheel never met the inventor of the Merry go round. They travelled in different circles.

A street magician told me to take a card, any card… So I took his Visa.

A moth goes to a chiropractor and complains that he’s not feeling well, he’s all out of sorts, that he feels anxious and maybe even depressed.The chiro says he’s at the wrong place. He should have gone to a psychologist and why did he come here?The moth replied, “Your light was on.”

“I really am ruggedly handsome, aren’t I?” Castle, in the TV show Castle

DEATH: “There are better things in the world than alcohol, Albert.” ALBERT: “Oh yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them. - Terry Pratchett

Nathan Liebknecht: Ahh, he threw the racket up to get the birdie. He threw Godel's cane up there to get the racket. Kurt Godel: I threw Podolsky's golf club up there to get even with him! *** Ed Walters: When's the last time you said Wahoo? Catherine Boyd: Well I'm sure I don't know. *** Bob Rosetti: It's not that hard. You just call her up and say, "Hello, I'm a lying grease monkey." *** Ed Walters: For one brief moment there, I was actually taken seriously by some pretty extraordinary people. - I.Q. (1994)

It’s the day drinking, that’s what I like the most.” - Bosley (Elizabeth Banks) in Charlie’s Angels (2019)

I told my wife that I think all our electrical items are spying on us. “Nonsense,” she said. Then she laughed. I laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed. Gemini laughed. The toaster laughed.

You are unique. Just like everybody else

“In a hundred years we’ll all be dead” Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio -The January Man (1989)

More Lines from Movies “We’re all the villain in someone’s story. Right?” - Tatum Warren-Ngata as Beth in My Life is Murder Rose: “I just want you to know. no matter what you do, you’re gonna die, just like everybody else.” Cosmo Castorini: “Thank you, Rose.” - Moonstruck (1987)

I just had a few people abuse me about my driving and they all told me to get off the freeway. But anyone, who’s played golf before, knows that you have to play it from where it lies, and I’m no rule breaker.

HUMOUR -

Short Jokes

https://attitudetolife.com and attitudetolife.au

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something well. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? A good pun is its own reword.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Why don’t we get the staff discount when we use the self-checkout at Woolies?

http://www.clipartlord.com/catego ry/transportation-clip-art/cars- clip-art/taxi-clip-art/

I put my left leg in. My left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. I shook it all about. I did the Hokey Pokey and I turned around. And that's when the taxi driver said, "Just get in the taxi mate!”

What do you get if you play a country and western song backwards? Your Dog comes back to life, your Pickup Truck is suddenly fixed and your Girl comes back to you.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall: "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two-thirty in the morning!”

The next day, the police descend on Vince's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no drugs. They sneer at Vince and leave. Shortly after that, the phone rings at Vince’s house. “Hey, Vince! It's Jeff ... did the police come?” “Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep!” “Happy birthday, buddy!”

Top of Page

Because the platypus both lays eggs AND produces milk, it’s one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’ “ - Dave Barry

He starts by asking the Welshman what his request is. "My request is to have 1000 Welshmen singing ‘Land of my Fathers.’” Then he asks the Scot what he'd like and the Scotsman answers, "I'd like 1000 bagpipes playing ‘The flower of Scotland.’" And he says to the Irish fellow, what's your last request? And he answers, "I'd like 1000 Irishmen doing the river dance." He turns to the Englishman and asks him, and the Englishman says, …….. "Kill me first."

Top of Page

The best auto safety device is a rear- view mirror with a police car in it.

Top of Page

Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake and the snake didn’t have a leg to stand on.

"See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above." The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon. "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign." This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.

Top of Page

I see the person who invented the door knocker was awarded the Nobel Prize.

***

Covid Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. … And believe me, that’s a lot of colouring!

Did you hear? The giant has gotten a restraining order against Jack. Turns out he's bean stalking him for years.

For our anniversary I rented a limo for $1000. When we went to the agency they brought out the limo but it didn’t have a driver! Yep I put out $1000 for a limo and got nothing to chauffeur it!

A dad was washing his car with his son. His son said “Dad, why can’t you just use a sponge like everyone else?”

The kids just asked for a border collie for Christmas. Normally I do a Turkey and Ham but hey, if it’ll make them happy….

Did you know that they had tennis in the Bible? Yes, Moses served in Pharaoh's court.

I just had to throw away a whole packet of animal shaped biscuits. The seal was broken.

I'd rather have a shot of whisky than a shot of lead.

Theologically we know that Adam and Eve weren’t Cajun because if they were, they would have eaten the snake instead of the fruit and saved us a lot of trouble.

Some One Liners

Lines from Movies “Someone once said if it was raining brains Roxy Robinson wouldn't even get wet” - Fat Sam in Bugsy Malone “In a hundred years we'll all be dead And the stars will still be shining.” The January Man “The oxen are slow but the earth is patient.” Zura - High Road to China (1983) “What did the Romans ever do for us?” Life of Brian “As you wish” “Inconceivable” “My way's not very sportsman-like” “You keep using that word, I don’t think that word means what you think it means” All from The Princess Bride

If you are feeling sick and sweating while refuelling your car, you are probably suffering from CAROWNERVIRUS

fuel- by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay

Not paying attention to history in school never did me any harm. Unlike poor Henry VIII, himself being shot in the eye by Genghis Khan at the Battle of Hastings in 1966

A judge asked a man he was sentencing, "I’m curious, what do your mother & father do?" He said, "They're in the iron & steel business. My mother irons & my father steals.”

Making small talk with a colleague you don't really know: "Hey, how's it going?" Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Me: "Living the dream!"

image credit comic by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

*Slaps a packet of sparklers on the counter* “How much for the angry incense?”

Thinking of sleeping on my husband’s side of the bed tonight. Apparently, from that side, you don’t hear the kids wake up at night.

The man that invented the Ferris Wheel never met the inventor of the Merry go round. They travelled in different circles.

A street magician told me to take a card, any card… So I took his Visa.

“I really am ruggedly handsome, aren’t I?” Castle, in the TV show Castle

DEATH: “There are better things in the world than alcohol, Albert.” ALBERT: “Oh yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them. - Terry Pratchett

Nathan Liebknecht: Ahh, he threw the racket up to get the birdie. He threw Godel's cane up there to get the racket. Kurt Godel: I threw Podolsky's golf club up there to get even with him! *** Ed Walters: When's the last time you said Wahoo? Catherine Boyd: Well I'm sure I don't know. *** Bob Rosetti: It's not that hard. You just call her up and say, "Hello, I'm a lying grease monkey." *** Ed: For one brief moment there, I was actually taken seriously by some pretty extraordinary people - I.Q. (1994)

It’s the day drinking, that’s what I like the most.” - Bosley (Elizabeth Banks) in Charlie’s Angels (2019)

I told my wife that I think all our electrical items are spying on us. “Nonsense,” she said. Then she laughed. I laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed. Gemini laughed. The toaster laughed.