©
https://attitudetolife.com
and attitudetolife.au
- Dad Jokes
Some One Liners that you have to apologise for telling
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?
Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone a round.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. To get by I once worked at a cheap pizza shop. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? “There, their, they’re.”
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
I had a happy childhood.
My dad used to put me in a tyre and
roll me downhill.
They were Goodyears.
A cheese factory exploded in France.
De Brie is everywhere
If the police arrest a mime,
do they tell him he has
The right to remain silent?
My friend Tony asked me not to say
his name backwards.
I said, "Y not?"
I think animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Why aren’t chickens allowed in church?
Because they use fowl language.
Jokes from Christmas Bon Bons
1. What do reindeers hang on their Christmas trees?
A.
Hornaments
2. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A.
Tinselitis
3. What do you call a three legged donkey?
A.
A Wonkey
4. What do you call a group of sheep rolling down a hill?
A.
A lambslide
5. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come
back?
A.
A stick
6. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
A.
Lost
7. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
A.
Because you can see right through them
8. What's the difference between the Christmas
alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A.
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
9. What did the wise men say after they offered up their
gifts of gold and frankincense?
A.
But wait, there's myrrh.
10 .Why are elves such great motivational speakers?
A.
They have plenty of elf-confidence.
11. What do you call a reindeer ghost?
A.
Cari-boo!
12. What’s the absolute best Christmas present?
A.
A broken drum — you can’t beat it!
13. What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
A.
You get tinsel-it is.
14.What do Santa's elves learn in school?
A.
The elf-abet.
15. How do elves respond when Santa calls the roll?
A.
“Present!”
16. What did Luke Skywalker say after he planted a
Christmas tree farm?
A.
May the forest be with you!
17. How do you help someone who has lost their
Christmas spirit?
A.
18. Nurse them back to elf.
19. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a
chimney?
A.
Claus-trophobia
Q. What kind of cars do wealthy cowboys drive?
A. Audi Partner
Q. Why do the French eat snails?
A. They don’t like fast food
Q. What do you call a well-balanced horse?
A. Stable.
Q. What do you call someone with no body and no
nose?
A. Nobody knows!
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck!
What would Taylor Swift’s
name be if she was a
tortoise?
Taylor Slow
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in
your mouth. - Then it's a soap opera.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be
bagels!
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone a round.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. To get by I once worked at a cheap pizza shop. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? “There, their, they’re.”
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go
golfing?" - "In case they get a hole in one!"
"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
- Turns out it was the refrigerator."
"What's the best thing about Switzerland?" - "I don't know,
but the flag is a big plus."
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
- He neverlands.
I was thinking of taking up origami.
- Till I saw how much paperwork was involved.
Why are skeletons so calm?
- Because nothing gets under their skin!
On the weekend, a street magician told me to take a card,
any card.
- So I took his Visa.
"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go
golfing?" - "In case they get a hole in one!"
Jiu Jitsu -
The art of folding clothes…
with someone still in them.
You know those astronauts, why don’t they party on
the moon?
- No atmosphere.
What’s the best thing about elevator jokes?
- They work on so many levels.
Me: How do you pronounce Hawaii? Is it a “w” or a
“v” sound?
A: Havaii
Me: Thank you.
A: You’re Velcome.
Waiter, do you have frogs legs?
No, that’s just the way I walk.
Before was was was, was was is.
https://attitudetolife.com
and attitudetolife.au
- Dad Jokes
Some One Liners that you have to
apologise for telling
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?
Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the
price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses
on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone a
round.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making
a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent
florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buccaneer.
11. To get by I once worked at a cheap pizza shop. I
kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a
cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never
hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because
you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted
steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the
bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people,
it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol
on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament,
but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows,
and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling
with grammar? “There, their, they’re.”
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where
the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B,
back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted
on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of
eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
I had a happy childhood.
My dad used to put me in a tyre and
roll me downhill.
They were Goodyears.
A cheese factory exploded in France.
De Brie is everywhere
If the police arrest a mime,
do they tell him he has
The right to remain silent?
My friend Tony asked me not to say
his name backwards.
I said, "Y not?"
I think animal testing is a terrible
idea;
they get all nervous and give the
wrong answers.
Why aren’t chickens allowed in church?
Because they use fowl language.
Jokes from Christmas Bon Bons
1. What do reindeers hang on their Christmas trees?
A.
Hornaments
2. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A.
Tinselitis
3. What do you call a three legged donkey?
A.
A Wonkey
4. What do you call a group of sheep rolling down a hill?
A.
A lambslide
5. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come
back?
A.
A stick
6. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
A.
Lost
7. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
A.
Because you can see right through them
8. What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet
and the ordinary alphabet?
A.
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
9. What did the wise men say after they offered up their
gifts of gold and frankincense?
A.
But wait, there's myrrh.
10 .Why are elves such great motivational speakers?
A.
They have plenty of elf-confidence.
11. What do you call a reindeer ghost?
A.
Cari-boo!
12. What’s the absolute best Christmas present?
A.
A broken drum — you can’t beat it!
13. What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
A.
You get tinsel-it is.
14.What do Santa's elves learn in school?
A.
The elf-abet.
15. How do elves respond when Santa calls the roll?
A.
“Present!”
16. What did Luke Skywalker say after he planted a
Christmas tree farm?
A.
May the forest be with you!
17. How do you help someone who has lost their
Christmas spirit?
A.
18. Nurse them back to elf.
19. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a
chimney?
A.
Claus-trophobia
Q. What kind of cars do wealthy cowboys drive?
A. Audi Partner
Q. Why do the French eat snails?
A. They don’t like fast food
Q. What do you call a well-balanced horse?
A. Stable.
Q. What do you call someone with no body and no
nose?
A. Nobody knows!
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck!
What would Taylor Swift's
name be if she was a
tortoise?
Taylor Slow....
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in
your mouth. - Then it's a soap opera.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d
be bagels!
Some One Liners that you have to apologise for telling
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?
Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the
price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses
on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone a
round.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making
a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent
florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears
pierced? A buccaneer.
11. To get by I once worked at a cheap pizza shop. I
kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a
cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never
hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because
you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted
steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the
bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”1
8. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people,
it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol
on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament,
but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows,
and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling
with grammar? “There, their, they’re.”
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant
where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied,
“Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted
on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of
eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go
golfing?" - "In case they get a hole in one!"
"I thought the dryer was
shrinking my clothes. -
Turns out it was the
refrigerator."
"What's the best thing about Switzerland?"
- "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
- He neverlands.
I was thinking of taking up origami.
- Till I saw how much paperwork was involved.
Why are skeletons so calm?
- Because nothing gets under their skin!
On the weekend, a street magician told me to take a card,
any card.
- So I took his Visa.
Jiu Jitsu -
The art of folding clothes…
with someone still in them.
You know those astronauts, why don’t they party on
the moon?
- No atmosphere.
What’s the best thing about elevator jokes?
- They work on so many levels.
Me: How do you pronounce Hawaii? Is it a “w” or a
“v” sound?
A: Havaii
Me: Thank you.
A: You’re Velcome.
Waiter, do you have frogs legs?
No, that’s just the way I walk.
Before was was was, was was is.
